Escaped Chimp ‘Sue’ Fulfills Fantasy: Scares People onto Roof, Beats on Cop Car

Sue SMASH!

A 300 pound chimpanzee named Sue caused a bit of a hubbub yesterday in Kansas City.  As reported by KMBC, the midday escapade was quite a “bizarre lunch hour”.  Here are some highlights:

…the chimp began pounding on his front door. The pounding shook the house. Michael Abron and his girlfriend were so concerned that the chimp would knock down the door or break windows that they scrambled to their roof. Abron armed himself with a weapon. “Oh my God, it was crazy!” Abron exclaimed.

A chimp pounding on the door?  Roof scrambling?  Weapons?  Tell me more!

The chimp at one point jumped up and down on a patrol car, busting the window.

I’ve always wanted to do that.  I wonder what Ice-T would have to say.  Anything else?

Animal control officers shot the chimp with a tranquilizer dart, but it was ineffective.

Damn straight it was.  You aren’t taking down a chimp with one lousy tranquilizer dart, especially when it’s in a cop-fueled hate rage.  What you do is simply open a cage for it to climb into.  Which it did.

There’s some pretty cool footage of the cop car smashing right here. 

You don’t want to miss it!

–Cap’n Blackjack

Charlie the Smoking Chimp Dead at 52

Charlie the chimp, best known for sucking down cigarettes, has died in Mangaung Zoo in South Africa at the ripe old age of 52.  It’s a sad day.  And a lesson to all you kids out there.  Don’t smoke!

Charlie picked up the habit from conscientious South Africans who tossed their butts into his enclosure.  Which, you know, is really classy and level-headed stuff.  Not only are most of these animals endangered, but they’re living in captivity.  What’s a few lit cigarette butts to them?  Who cares?  Let’s make their lives as miserable as possible, right?  Hey kids, you watching?  Watching mommy and daddy?  Hey, stop crying.  Here, have a smoke.

Charlie soon began to mimic the hand motions of smokers by putting two fingers to his lips in order to procure more smokes and return to that place he loved best:  flavor country.  This led to more tasty butts, but also a fair amount of outrage from animal rights activists.  (Duh!)  The zoo then attempted to cut off his supply of cigs completely, but to no avail.  He kept on smoking until the day he died.

Surprisingly Charlie lasted ten years longer than the normal life expectancy of chimpanzees.  Which just goes to show that George Burns was on to something. 

Still, for all the joking I do about how awesome smoking monkeys are, I can’t help but see every washed-up middle-aged has-been outside every dive bar across America in Charlie’s mannerisms.  Smoking’s all he had to look forward to.  Well, that and his Marlboro miles.

When just smoking butts isn't enough.

Which makes me wonder…  Anyone know if he redeemed those?  I could really use a new duster.

–Cap’n Blacklung

Related Article:  Famouse Smoking Chimpanzee Dies at 52

Michael Jackson Tried to Humanize Bubbles

Crazy LaToya dropped some extra crazy on us, revealing that deceased superstar brother Michael tried to humanize his pet chimpanzee Bubbles as a result of his out of control fame and his growing distrust of others.

“He began to think, ‘Who is my friend? Are you here because I’m this big? Are you here because you like my personality?’ You turn more to animals as they don’t know that. They love you for who you are.”

Okay, not so crazy I guess.  But did you know that Michael sought a doctor’s advice on performing surgery on Bubbles to give him human vocal chords?

Please don't

That’s a whole bucket load of crazy.  I mean, nevermind the fact that you would also need to give Bubbles a human brain to grant him the capacity for human language, and last I checked Igor was overseas.

At this point I don’t know what to believe and not believe about MJ anymore.  But it won’t stop us at Chimps Ahoy from mindlessly regurgitating it for you, our dear friends and readers.

Keep reading, readers!

–Cap’n BlackJacko

Barrel of Monkeys: A game for all ages.

Yup, only $4.99 at the store (this was Shaw’s).

I have never actually played BOM but from reading the instructions (I have a barrel at home, just ’cause), it is a super easy game. And I am going to say very entertaining.

Here it is:

Dump monkeys onto table.
Pick up one monkey by an arm.
Hook other arm through a second monkey’s arm.
Continue making a chain.
Your turn is over when a monkey is dropped

That’s it! Usually the simplest things in life are the most pleasurable.

Monkeys are no exception.

-Limejuiceboy

Guinea Chimps Say Eff You Poachers-Discovered Disarming Traps

Bushmeat is gross.

I haven’t had any.  Don’t want to.  Maybe it’s tasty.  But if it means poor endangered monkeys are victimized for their meat…

I’m out.

One popular way to trap and kill monkeys is to set a wire snare.  Find out the grisly details (plus a chimp wearing glasses!) after the jump:

Getting To Know You: Bubbles the Chimp

Bubbles. The very word conjures up sweet childhood memories of sitting cross-legged in the park with a soapy bottle and wand in hand. But for those of us at Chimps Ahoy it brings to life another rose-tinted memory…

Yup. Michael Jackson’s chimpanzee. And now that the King of Pop has been dead for over a year, perhaps its time to look back on Bubbles’ past and reflect on what a messed up kind of life it must have been.